Every had that experience? You have your point of view, your experience, thoughts, beliefs or opinions about something… until you talk with someone else who offers their point of view, experience, thoughts, beliefs or opinions about that same something. And you find yourself agreeing or caught up in their narrative.
I was talking with a client today and she was expressing this… that she was “caught up” in the other person’s perspective as they vented about an issue they had in common. She had her own experience, but it was transformed in a way.
What does it take to hold onto one’s self in these situations? What is it about human emotion or our relational experience that we emotionally fuse, to use a term Murray Bowen coined, to others and what they think or feel?
How do you calmly express your different thoughts or feelings without simply taking a reactive stance in opposition to them? (the ol’ flip side of the same coin phenomena)
There seems to be kind of emotional reciprocity whereby we either conform and adopt what another expresses, or the group, or reactively flip and take the opposite position. I guess you could say that either can be a reactive position.
It’s more challenging to think for yourself which might be less black and white. It’s perhaps more nuanced, you see the greys or at least are more open to seeing both sides even if you hold onto your own thinking.
Bowen describes a “togetherness” force in all human beings that plays out in group dynamics, family dynamics and relationships, whether with one’s partner, parents or children. This togetherness force is in dynamic tension with an “individuality” force
Michael Kerr states, “
The degree of emotional separation between a developing child and his
family influences the child’s ability to differentiate a self from the family. A
child developing in the “emotional field” of a family is vulnerable to becoming
entangled in the family relationship process. From infancy onward, he
is exposed to many things, including the emotionality and subjectivity of
those around him. In a well differentiated family, emotionality and subjectivity
are not strong influences on the relationship between the parents or
on the relationships between the parents and the children. The low intensity
of emotionality or togetherness pressure permits a child to grow to
think, feel, and act for himself. He can view parents, siblings, and others
not just as people with roles in his life, but as distinct and separate individuals.
His self-image is not formed in reaction to the anxieties and emotional
neediness of others; nor do others define the child through their own
emotionally distorted perceptions. The child’s “self” is not incorporated
automatically from others through emotional pressure to gain acceptance
and approval. In contrast, beliefs, values, and convictions are arrived at
thoughtfully and are consistent with one another. The child grows to be
part of the family, yet separate from it. (M Kerr, “Family Evaluation” pg. 96)
As emotional boundaries are challenged and begin to blur, what does it take to be present, to be grounded and resist the anxiety that presents itself as you pick up on the internal or external tension? It’s not about confrontation, it’s about being true to self without needing to create conflict to express your differences or cave in to avoid the tension…
Bowen introduced the concept of differentiation of self as a way of capturing the dynamic of emotional fusion, the relational dynamic that shapes people, the togetherness/individuality tension and the challenge of separating one’s thinking world and feeling world. In other words can you think clearly and think for yourself in the midst of intense emotionality, especially in relation to others who you are intimately connected to; parents, your partner or your children? Do you know where you end and the other begins?