MARK SMITH MSW ~ RSW

John Donne, has often been quoted, “no man is an island…” We only have one life to live, and we only experience that life through your own perceptions and what’s in our own mind, and our own body… We do this in relationship to those significant others around us, our parents, our siblings and extended family, our spouse and children… Generally we are responsible for ourselves and our own functioning, albeit, we shape and are shaped by those around us.

Murray Bowen, who developed family systems theory, has often been quoted, “you have all been dealt a hand to play, play it to the best of your ability…“ Meaning in part, that things happen in life and it’s our responsibility to respond as responsibly and effectively as we can. He observed that there is a lot of variability within human functioning that is shaped in part over generations of our family emotional system.

Some people have the capacity to intuitively function better, some don’t function as well, but not as a product of a failure of morality or responsibility as much as living a life that is more influenced by the tensions of life and relationship, and the anxiety that is generated by that tension…

When I have conversations with individual clients, it is always with that family emotional system in mind. Not only in the past, but what are the current tensions today? Not only in terms of the mind maps, or mirroring neurons, that have us responding in relationships in predictable ways, but trying to open up space so people can see the predictable patterns within the anxiety and emotional tension of their life and relationships.

We are born into this world with a simple blueprint for life… And with each day we learn what creates tension or reactivity or what promotes harmony, even at the expense of our self.

A child for example learns that if they do what they’re told, they will experience harmony and not conflict or discipline from a parent. We are all prone to go toward harmony, at the expense of our self, which will begin to go underground in those early childhood years…

Other families, are comfortable and open to the free expression of their children even if it’s understanding that they are a work in progress. Yes, of course, the parental task is one of creating a safe container for a child to work out who they are balanced against not crushing their spirit and their sense of self with structure and discipline.

Exploring life in individual therapy from the family systems perspective is in part trying to see more clearly that emotional blueprint that you function from. And then to begin to challenge those preconceive notion’s… To reflect in how come I behave this way? How come I think this way? When I do X, Y, or Z, how come I have this feeling, this response? How come I think of this being right and that being wrong? What would my fears be about approaching this in a different way? How can I be aware of what’s going on inside of me when the tension starts to build with my children, my spouse, my family member?

The dynamic emotional tension of trying to be your self in relations to others can lead to symptoms like anxiety, depression… or other personal problems that interrupt daily living and make it a struggle.